The Lonely Future Ahead

How apt this photo is now as i see myself taking solo steps into a future that I thought we will be taking. Sadness and a total sense of loss engulf me this weekend. To make things worse, death still follows me with another friend dying of cancer this morning. I really dont know how much of death and disappointment i can take. We spoke recently about feeling of helplessness and despair, am so feeling it now.

I have been doing my best, given my all, dedicated all that i have and time around you but it seems it isnt enough. I’ve read your last message a thousand times, occasionally glimpsing your online self, some comfort it brings that you are on the other side of the message, but reaching out i did not. I dont understand your message but i know what i means. This is going on for too long, despite my assurance, promises and actions that you dont have to feel that way, you still do. It is something that i cant change.

Is that the reason you are giving me? or have you grown tired of me, see me differently? We have both been open to one another and i really thought we have already accepted each other for who are are.

You dont have to leave Singapore, you have your parents to look after. I will be the one that leaves and disappears and stop being a burden, a resentment to how you feel. The helplessness I feel is overwhelming that i just wanna disappear into my own world and not come out.

Promise me that you’ll take good care of yourself. Im glad i managed to see T one last time.

Always XY and TOY

Goodbye. Im so sad.